When She is Seven

Foodgoat and I once overheard a 7-year old girl turn to her mother and ask, "Can we have lobster ravioli and asparagus for my birthday?"

I hope GoatSpawn will say something like that when she's 7. And not something like, "Can I have EasyMac again? Where's the Lucky Charms so I can put them on top?"

Happy 2nd Wedding Anniversary, Foodgoat!

On the right day, this time!

It's been two years since the day Foodgoat and I got married and celebrated with our families and friends at a reception in lovely but cold San Francisco. While I made most of the decisions regarding the food served, it was Foodgoat who handled the beverages, and he who insisted early on that we have an open bar. (The open bar/cash bar and everything in between debate can be a fierce one for others.)

I didn't know what a big deal this was for my family until more than one cousin ran up to us in excitement, saying, "Open bar! Filipinos don't have open bars!!"

So despite the fact that my family doesn't drink often, and with the encouragement of one groomsman who took it upon himself to see that everyone, at any given point, had a drink in his or her hand, we drank the liquor provider dry that night.

Not a single drop of alcohol - no beer, no wine, no liquor - remained at the end of the night.

All in service of getting happy drunk, which is the best possible goal for a day like that.

Ten Tips When Obesity Is Your Goal

I don't know who, how, or why someone ended up on this blog with the key words "obesity is my goal," but if obesity is indeed your goal, and the hugely effective Donut and Pepsi Diet isn't working fast enough for you, I can help! Here are some new concrete tips for getting fat:

1. Eat those 100-calorie snack packages. Now, they are ostensibly for those for whom obesity is not the goal at all, but eat enough of them and you're on well on your way. And because they come in such small packages, and typically feature such non-filling, nutrient-low foods, eating a few at time, a couple of times day will make you feel like you're not eating much at all! You'll hardly notice those extra hundreds of calories!
   
2. Go for a short, easy walk every day. Just because you get some exercise doesn't mean you can't get fat! And, let's face it, if you will be carrying around a lot of extra weight you'll want your heart to get used to the workout. Fifteen minutes of walking at 2.5 mph will burn some calories, but you can use that minimal workout to walk to your local coffeeshop where you can cool yourself down with an extra large coffee beverage with whipped cream and sugar! Don't wear yourself out though - use the drive-thru at the donut shop, liquor store, fast food place, whenever available!
   
3. Finish your plate. Eat everything you have piled onto your plate, no matter how stuffed you already are. You don't want leftovers crowding up the fridge, and that poor starving kid in China is not going to be happy if you don't use those last bowl of pasta to become fat.
   
4. Have lots of salad. Have a big, big plate of greens. But be sure to have lots of creamy dressing. Can you see green? Add more dressing! And don't forget bacon and cheese and anything else that can smother the slightly bitter taste of green vegetables.
   
5. Eat at chain restaurants. Yes, fast food restaurants can help you become obese, but their portions tend to be small and well, transportable, while chain restaurants, like Appleby's, have gigantic portions, free refills, and endless breadsticks.
   
6. Cut out a favorite food entirely. Do you love ice cream? Bacon? Whatever that high fat or high calorie food is, drop it completely from your diet. Don't let celebrations or holidays or being a guest in someone's home deter you! Over time, cravings will build and build, until you binge big time on a level that will more than make up for not having it every once in a while.
7. Consider becoming a vegan. You might think a vegan diet would never get you to your goal of obesity, but not necessarily! Make up for the total avoidance of meat and dairy (which are high in protein and quite filling) by overeating things with too much sugar and simple carbs, including lots of processed foods.
8. Wear scrubs, even if you don't work in the medical field. The very loose and stretchy nature of these clothes will allow for your steadily increasing body shape without you noticing at all. More form-fitting clothes may tempt you to stop eating or start exercising, neither of which will get you to your goal!
   
9. Get pregnant. For you ladies! "Eating for two" is a societal license for eating whatever the hell you want, in whatever size portion you decide, even though pregnancy only actually requires 300 more calories (or two sensible snacks) a day after the first trimester. The downside is that the excuse only works for 9 months. The upside is that babies typically weigh less than 10 pounds at birth, so the other 25 pounds (or more!) is yours to keep!
   
10. Succumb to depression. Throw out that Prozac! Give up on the power of positive thinking! Dwell on your problems and the next thing you know, you'll be self-medicating with bags of potato chips and pizza to go along with too much daytime TV. Don't forget about alcohol - use beer to drown your sorrows, and a beer belly is sure to follow.

There you have it - if obesity is your goal, with these steps you can be there in no time.

Next, look for our "10 steps to Financial Ruin"!

You Want to Add What to the Chicken Paprikash?

Foodgoat's sous chef, the delicious bottle of beer, has made many excellent cooking suggestions to Foodgoat in the past. He has recommended more hot sauce, the adding of a new spice, the use of more beer. Once in a while, it doesn't work (usually, too many hot peppers), but overall, his suggestions have been good ones.

But this time, the suggestion was so out there, Foodgoat wasn't sure if he should listen or not.

The dish was chicken paprikash, which Foodgoat has made so many times he could make it in his sleep. Having perfected the recipe, he has taken lately to playing around with it, adding new ingredients and twists. But was this idea of new ingredient too weird for an old standby?

What did that bottle of beer suggest that Foodgoat add to chicken paprikash? Chocolate.

The extreme dark chocolate chips that we used for sourdough pancakes.

He added a handful, and wouldn't ya know it, it actually tasted wonderful. Because we used dark chocolate, it actually gave it an earthiness rather than a sweetness that didn't seem chocolate-y at all. Adding even more chocolate the next day turned the chicken paprikash into something akin to chicken mole, which was further afield, but still delicious.

Traditional? No. Tasty? Yes.

The Best Meal Foodgoat Forgot About

Memorial Day weekend! The start of grilling season!

Foodgoat got a head start - making this delicious brisket. However, it didn't quite go as planned.

The original plan: put a dry rub on the brisket overnight, smoke it slowly outside for several hours, and enjoy a nice piece of well-cooked meat for dinner.

It started off right - he got a nice piece of brisket, covered it with spicy dry rub (mostly paprika, but with lots of other spices) he made himself, and put it in the fridge overnight.

The next day, he took it out and put in the grill with a not too hot fire to smoke. In the meantime, he got out the brand new rototiller to prepare the garden patch.

And that's when the plan veered off course.

Because ripping up dirt with a gas motor and fierce blades is FUN.

He not only got our regular garden tilled and turned and ready for planting, he expanded it by about 60%!

He had so much fun, he took the rototiller to Culturefilter's house to till away the afternoon there too.

A couple of tilled plots and several beers later, Foodgoat realized he had left the brisket at home, still smoking away five hours later. So he went back, pulled the still warm brisket off, and popped it in the fridge.

The next day, the brisket went into the crock pot with barbeque sauce, gin, and a couple of other things that he happened to have on hand, and there it cooked for another couple of hours.

The results though were yummy - smoky, flavorful, and very tender and just perfect for sandwiches.



So the actual process turned out to be: put a dry rub on a brisket overnight, smoke for a couple of hours, get drunk on power tools and beer, forget about the brisket, put brisket in fridge, cook brisket in crock pot for several more hours.