Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ten Tips When Obesity Is Your Goal

I don't know who, how, or why someone ended up on this blog with the key words "obesity is my goal," but if obesity is indeed your goal, and the hugely effective Donut and Pepsi Diet isn't working fast enough for you, I can help! Here are some new concrete tips for getting fat:
  1. Eat those 100-calorie snack packages. Now, they are ostensibly for those for whom obesity is not the goal at all, but eat enough of them and you're on well on your way. And because they come in such small packages, and typically feature such non-filling, nutrient-low foods, eating a few at time, a couple of times day will make you feel like you're not eating much at all! You'll hardly notice those extra hundreds of calories!
  2. Go for a short, easy walk every day. Just because you get some exercise doesn't mean you can't get fat! And, let's face it, if you will be carrying around a lot of extra weight you'll want your heart to get used to the workout. Fifteen minutes of walking at 2.5 mph will burn some calories, but you can use that minimal workout to walk to your local coffeeshop where you can cool yourself down with an extra large coffee beverage with whipped cream and sugar! Don't wear yourself out though - use the drive-thru at the donut shop, liquor store, fast food place, whenever available!
  3. Finish your plate. Eat everything you have piled onto your plate, no matter how stuffed you already are. You don't want leftovers crowding up the fridge, and that poor starving kid in China is not going to be happy if you don't use those last bowl of pasta to become fat.
  4. Have lots of salad. Have a big, big plate of greens. But be sure to have lots of creamy dressing. Can you see green? Add more dressing! And don't forget bacon and cheese and anything else that can smother the slightly bitter taste of green vegetables.
  5. Eat at chain restaurants. Yes, fast food restaurants can help you become obese, but their portions tend to be small and well, transportable, while chain restaurants, like Appleby's, have gigantic portions, free refills, and endless breadsticks.
  6. Cut out a favorite food entirely. Do you love ice cream? Bacon? Whatever that high fat or high calorie food is, drop it completely from your diet. Don't let celebrations or holidays or being a guest in someone's home deter you! Over time, cravings will build and build, until you binge big time on a level that will more than make up for not having it every once in a while.
  7. Consider becoming a vegan. You might think a vegan diet would never get you to your goal of obesity, but not necessarily! Make up for the total avoidance of meat and dairy (which are high in protein and quite filling) by overeating things with too much sugar and simple carbs, including lots of processed foods.
  8. Wear scrubs, even if you don't work in the medical field. The very loose and stretchy nature of these clothes will allow for your steadily increasing body shape without you noticing at all. More form-fitting clothes may tempt you to stop eating or start exercising, neither of which will get you to your goal!
  9. Get pregnant. For you ladies! "Eating for two" is a societal license for eating whatever the hell you want, in whatever size portion you decide, even though pregnancy only actually requires 300 more calories (or two sensible snacks) a day after the first trimester. The downside is that the excuse only works for 9 months. The upside is that babies typically weigh less than 10 pounds at birth, so the other 25 pounds (or more!) is yours to keep!
  10. Succumb to depression. Throw out that Prozac! Give up on the power of positive thinking! Dwell on your problems and the next thing you know, you'll be self-medicating with bags of potato chips and pizza to go along with too much daytime TV. Don't forget about alcohol - use beer to drown your sorrows, and a beer belly is sure to follow.
There you have it - if obesity is your goal, with these steps you can be there in no time.

Next, look for our "10 steps to Financial Ruin"!


  1. ROFL.

    #7 is kind of what I'm experiencing now as a newly metal mouthed. I might not be eating much of regular food...which one might thing you'd lose weight that way. But looking at the soft stuff I ended up eating like pan pizza, cake, and ice cream which is incredibly soothing to the teeth, I might not be losing a damn thing.

  2. Anonymous5:43 PM

    What a mean-spirited post. Bonus points for discouraging people who aren't fit to run marathons from getting any exercise at all.

  3. Anonymous7:23 PM

    To satisfy your curiosity, at least on my account, I searched "obesity is my goal" because that was a verbatim user name of a submitted photograph on thisiswhyyourefat.com, and I was curious to know if there was really someone out there fattening themselves up & documenting it for posterity, under this name. But I found you.

  4. If you think this post is mean-spirited. It just means you have no sense of humor or you see the world on the negative side. Either way: congratulations!!! You are following step #10 of our guide. Being negative helps you get FAT.

    So keep up the good work... oh wait... sorry, I mean...
    Boohoo them blogger people are mean.. Where is my cake?

  5. Anonymous6:47 PM

    haha i did the same thing as commenter #3! i'll keep looking...

  6. Anonymous12:57 PM

    i came here because of thisiswhyyouarefat.com too. under the "Lardz" photo..

  7. MeganIsFatAndLovingIt12:38 PM

    Obeseity is so fun i love stuffing my face popping pants and ripping shirts. i'm only 12 and weight 298lbs how cool?

  8. Anonymous1:41 AM

    thanks! I'm 12 and already 350 kilograms!
    I have already become fat, gaining 3 kilos onto my skinny self in 5 days!