1994-2008
May there be ham in heaven.
Showing posts with label dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dog. Show all posts
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Conspiracy Theory
The dog Biscuitgoat is the subject of a plot!I don't want to sound paranoid, but lately I've realized there are people who are out there to get me. I'm serious. There are those who are actually hovering around, calling, planning, plotting my death. Don't think I don't know what you're talking about.
All just because I'm an old dog. Okay, a really old dog. And I can't get around quite as quickly as I used to. And part of my head is sunken in, causing one eye to dry out requiring regular applications of Visine. And I might be a little scrambled, as evidenced by that one night that I got into the spare bedroom, shut the door, got into the narrow gap between the corner wall and the bed and stood there for who-knows-how-long until someone happened to wake up at 3 am to find me in stuck facing the corner of the room and unable to move because I can't possibly back straight up.
The conspirators will say it's for my own good, it's to relieve my suffering. You want to alleviate my suffering? GIVE ME MORE HAM.
It's not that I'm afraid of death, you understand: I've seen the Twilight Zone episode, and I know I'll be let into heaven. What I don't know is whether there will be any ham in heaven, or any meat products at all ... after all, it would seem antithetical to have slaughterhouses in the holiest of all planes of existence. And yet it wouldn't be a place of complete bliss and delight if we all had to eat vegan.
So, just to be on the safe side, I'm getting all the ham I can get while the getting is good. Just today I had three different kinds of ham and felt much better for it. So even though even I must admit that my death may come sooner rather than later, DON'T RUSH ME. There's still ham to live for.
Monday, May 19, 2008
A Dog Responds to the Food Prices
The dog Biscuitgoat has not only taken over the blog, she's taking letters from readers.
Times are indeed tight. And alas, being the lowest members of the pack, it is always the poor fate of us dogs to be affected first when conditions change. It's always our stuff that gets skimped on first. We don't get new toys. We get groomed by amateurs. They cancel our subscription to Dog Fancy.
But dogs are understanding, and we could take all this, without complaint, if that's what it takes to keep the pack together. It's a little harder to take crappy, stale, tasteless, probably poisoned with industrial chemicals from China, dog food. Maybe all dog food looks the same to you, but I assure, it is not. There is some brands of dog food that I have starved rather than eaten, and then there are some brands that buy their ingredients from unregulated and possibly contaminated Chinese sources. Remember that pet food recall less than a year ago?
Fortunately, my pack feeds me Bil-Jac, a local pet food company that uses only fresh, quality real meat and chicken from local producers. It's really quite delicious - in fact all the dogs that visit try to eat my food. Because I have managed to look particularly sad and pathetic lately, they have not only fed me the dry Bil-Jac, but the frozen Bil-Jac, which is so fresh that you have keep it in the fridge. Which is really good.
In other words, some things are worth paying more for. Cheap food, including cheap dog food, are cheap for a reason, and sometimes comes at a serious cost later on.
Dogs are not especially picky eaters (I myself will eat many things my pack considers absolutely inedible) so if Max isn't eating, you can bet that dog food is probably all kinds of nasty. I say find other ways to cut back and pay for some acceptable dog food. Plus, I suspect Max is also mad because he's the only one being asked to sacrifice. Are you still getting fancy double tall fancy mochas in this age of uncertainty? (And don't tell me you deserve the treat because of all your stress. Puh-leeze. You don't know stress until you've been chased around the house by a Dyson vacuum cleaner attempting to suck up your soul.) Still going on big vacations (which you don't take us along to)? Then consider budgeting there instead.
Anyway, good dog food is not that much more expensive. What the current economic crunch should teach you is not to cut back indiscriminately, but that one should prioritize their money and focus on what's really important. For me, that would be tasty, healthy food.
Dear BiscuitGoat,Dear Cheap,
My dog Max has become a fan of yours, so I was hoping you could use your influence to help me out. With the economy being what it is, we've had to scale back on our spending, and I've switched Max over to another, cheaper brand of dog food. Now Max is mad at me and has gone on a hunger strike. Can you please explain to him the realities of today's food prices?
Yours, Cheap Pack in Chesapeake
Times are indeed tight. And alas, being the lowest members of the pack, it is always the poor fate of us dogs to be affected first when conditions change. It's always our stuff that gets skimped on first. We don't get new toys. We get groomed by amateurs. They cancel our subscription to Dog Fancy.
But dogs are understanding, and we could take all this, without complaint, if that's what it takes to keep the pack together. It's a little harder to take crappy, stale, tasteless, probably poisoned with industrial chemicals from China, dog food. Maybe all dog food looks the same to you, but I assure, it is not. There is some brands of dog food that I have starved rather than eaten, and then there are some brands that buy their ingredients from unregulated and possibly contaminated Chinese sources. Remember that pet food recall less than a year ago?
Fortunately, my pack feeds me Bil-Jac, a local pet food company that uses only fresh, quality real meat and chicken from local producers. It's really quite delicious - in fact all the dogs that visit try to eat my food. Because I have managed to look particularly sad and pathetic lately, they have not only fed me the dry Bil-Jac, but the frozen Bil-Jac, which is so fresh that you have keep it in the fridge. Which is really good.
In other words, some things are worth paying more for. Cheap food, including cheap dog food, are cheap for a reason, and sometimes comes at a serious cost later on.
Dogs are not especially picky eaters (I myself will eat many things my pack considers absolutely inedible) so if Max isn't eating, you can bet that dog food is probably all kinds of nasty. I say find other ways to cut back and pay for some acceptable dog food. Plus, I suspect Max is also mad because he's the only one being asked to sacrifice. Are you still getting fancy double tall fancy mochas in this age of uncertainty? (And don't tell me you deserve the treat because of all your stress. Puh-leeze. You don't know stress until you've been chased around the house by a Dyson vacuum cleaner attempting to suck up your soul.) Still going on big vacations (which you don't take us along to)? Then consider budgeting there instead.
Anyway, good dog food is not that much more expensive. What the current economic crunch should teach you is not to cut back indiscriminately, but that one should prioritize their money and focus on what's really important. For me, that would be tasty, healthy food.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
A Dog Betrayed
I thought we were a happy pack. I did. Sure, we had our occasional disagreements - did I have to come in right now? you don't want that last piece of bagel do you? - but all in all, I was content and I thought they were content as well. Sure they left all day long, but they always came back eventually.
And then one night they came later than usual. They did this sometimes. Maybe they worked late. I didn't think anything of it. But then ... I got a whiff of something. Something different. Something like ... ham. Really good ham.
I looked more closely. They were dressed particularly well. They seemed suspiciously pleased with themselves. And yes, on closer smelling, it was definitely the scent of ham. Expensive ham.
I tried to ask them where they'd been. As usual, they wouldn't tell me. I pretended that nothing was amiss, but I suspected something. Maybe it was nothing. I should trust them. I wanted to trust them ... but I had to know for sure. So I'm not proud of it, but I looked at their cell phone records. And that's where I found the pictures. Incriminating pictures that left no doubt about what they had done.
They had spent the evening with some Lolita.
I should have left it alone, but I had to know more - all the sordid details. So I listened in on their little private conversations they have between the two of them.
Ladygoat's butternut squash ravioli was delicious, but paled in comparison to Foodgoat's sea scallops, which were tender and luscious and flavorful. They went wonderfully with a side of rich creamy polenta. Even the bread sticks - much like big soft pretzels - were very good.
But the highlight of the evening was starting with the "Big Board for Two", a sampler of cured meats that included salami (made in house), sopressata, and three different kinds of prosciutto, along with pickled fennel and a sweet apple salsa-like thing. Served on a wooden cutting board, it was like a sushi plate, but of meat - each item was bite-sized, flavor-packed, and perfectly complementary in flavor.
The prosciutto was made by La Quercia Artisan Cured Meats in Iowa, and while the Berkshire prosciutto and the spicy prosciutto picante were absolutely tasty, it was the smoked prosciutto, the Speck Americano, that blew them away. Smoked with applewood, this prosciutto was not just good - it was memorably good. It had a yumminess that was on a whole other scale of measurement. Slightly sweet, slightly smoky, complex and just really tasty.
You should have heard them go on and on, the shameless hussies. They know perfectly well how much I adore ham, how much I love prosciutto. And they go off and eat prosciutto - the very best prosciutto - without me.
It was of little consolation to find that they had never been there before, that it was their first time. They had planned it, you see, they had planned it for a long time. And they were planning on going again. Without me. Just because the food was delicious, the prices reasonable, and service impeccable.
And then one night they came later than usual. They did this sometimes. Maybe they worked late. I didn't think anything of it. But then ... I got a whiff of something. Something different. Something like ... ham. Really good ham.
I looked more closely. They were dressed particularly well. They seemed suspiciously pleased with themselves. And yes, on closer smelling, it was definitely the scent of ham. Expensive ham.
I tried to ask them where they'd been. As usual, they wouldn't tell me. I pretended that nothing was amiss, but I suspected something. Maybe it was nothing. I should trust them. I wanted to trust them ... but I had to know for sure. So I'm not proud of it, but I looked at their cell phone records. And that's where I found the pictures. Incriminating pictures that left no doubt about what they had done.
They had spent the evening with some Lolita.
I should have left it alone, but I had to know more - all the sordid details. So I listened in on their little private conversations they have between the two of them.
Ladygoat's butternut squash ravioli was delicious, but paled in comparison to Foodgoat's sea scallops, which were tender and luscious and flavorful. They went wonderfully with a side of rich creamy polenta. Even the bread sticks - much like big soft pretzels - were very good.
But the highlight of the evening was starting with the "Big Board for Two", a sampler of cured meats that included salami (made in house), sopressata, and three different kinds of prosciutto, along with pickled fennel and a sweet apple salsa-like thing. Served on a wooden cutting board, it was like a sushi plate, but of meat - each item was bite-sized, flavor-packed, and perfectly complementary in flavor.
The prosciutto was made by La Quercia Artisan Cured Meats in Iowa, and while the Berkshire prosciutto and the spicy prosciutto picante were absolutely tasty, it was the smoked prosciutto, the Speck Americano, that blew them away. Smoked with applewood, this prosciutto was not just good - it was memorably good. It had a yumminess that was on a whole other scale of measurement. Slightly sweet, slightly smoky, complex and just really tasty.
You should have heard them go on and on, the shameless hussies. They know perfectly well how much I adore ham, how much I love prosciutto. And they go off and eat prosciutto - the very best prosciutto - without me.
It was of little consolation to find that they had never been there before, that it was their first time. They had planned it, you see, they had planned it for a long time. And they were planning on going again. Without me. Just because the food was delicious, the prices reasonable, and service impeccable.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Fur Job
The dog blogger BiscuitGoat continues her takeover of the Foodgoat blog ...
WARNING!!! Spoiler Alert!
If you watch, as I do, Battlestar Galactica (for I too like to ponder the fate of humanity) you know that one of the great mysteries yet to be revealed this season is WHO IS THE FINAL CYLON? The fans have been debating for months - but I, Biscuitgoat, knows who it is.
Furthermore, I am willing to reveal it. Beware, this is a tightly kept secret!
It's me! You weren't expected a Dog Cylon, were you? But then again, why shouldn't there be a Fur Job among the frakkin' toasters? There are dog robots even now, providing companionship to kids and elderly Japanese people, so it just stands to reason that dog Cylons should have been developed alongside the humanoid Cylons. As we have seen this season, the Cylons can experience the full range of feeling and love, so naturally one would expect that their first inclination would be get a wittle puppy wuppy.
And now that you have taken a good look at me ... you must realize that yes, you've seen my kind before. A dog that just looks ... dog-ish. No particular breed, just plain old stereotypical dog. Everywhere you go, you'll see the same dog model.
Therefore, I must be a Cylon.
WARNING!!! Spoiler Alert!
If you watch, as I do, Battlestar Galactica (for I too like to ponder the fate of humanity) you know that one of the great mysteries yet to be revealed this season is WHO IS THE FINAL CYLON? The fans have been debating for months - but I, Biscuitgoat, knows who it is.
Furthermore, I am willing to reveal it. Beware, this is a tightly kept secret!
It's me! You weren't expected a Dog Cylon, were you? But then again, why shouldn't there be a Fur Job among the frakkin' toasters? There are dog robots even now, providing companionship to kids and elderly Japanese people, so it just stands to reason that dog Cylons should have been developed alongside the humanoid Cylons. As we have seen this season, the Cylons can experience the full range of feeling and love, so naturally one would expect that their first inclination would be get a wittle puppy wuppy.And now that you have taken a good look at me ... you must realize that yes, you've seen my kind before. A dog that just looks ... dog-ish. No particular breed, just plain old stereotypical dog. Everywhere you go, you'll see the same dog model.
Therefore, I must be a Cylon.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Dog Bless America*
The dog blogger BiscuitGoat continues her takeover of the Foodgoat blog ...
I haven't paid much attention to politics in my life. But two years ago, after passing the test (with flying colors, I might add) I became a Canine Good Citizen, so I feel it's my duty to contribute to the democratic process as much as I am able. Seeing as I'm not 18 yet though (4 more years to go!), I can't vote, so blogging and influencing the voting public it is.
Furthermore, in this election, there are Important Issues facing American dogs today. Not the least of these is the fact that there are over one thousand MWDs (Military Working Dogs) stationed in Iraq.
So, I consider each of the presidential candidates. First, I look at their pet record.
Obama doesn't have a dog, and has no pet-owning record that I've been able to find. (FoxPetNets has repeating insidious rumors that Obama has a friend who once owned a squirrel but that's just mean-spirited gossip.) However, he did make a significant campaign promise: when the election is over, he promised his daughters they could have a dog, whether or not he wins. Usually one can't trust campaign promises, but Obama seems to have a calm assertive energy, and I believe him. Plus, the man has excellent taste in ham. (I'm partial to prosciutto myself.)
Clinton has a dog - a chocolate Lab named Seamus. Seamus was a gift from Hillary to Bill after their Lab, Buddy, was run over by a car. Buddy came after their cocker spaniel, Zeke, was also run over by a car. I'm not implying any impropriety, and no investigations have ever been called for. It's just ... it seems rather careless of them. Maybe it's unfair. But I wouldn't trust her to walk me down a busy street, so I can't very well trust her to run the country.
On the pet ownership issue, McCain, though, takes the cake. Right now he has Coco, a mutt (who he once saved from the brink of death with his quick action!), Sam, an English springer spaniel, two more dogs named Lucy and Desi, two turtles named Cuff and Link, Oreo the black and white cat, three parakeets, and 13 saltwater fish. His ferret, alas, recently died of cancer. In the past, they have also had two mini-Dobermans, two snakes, one rabbit, a hamster, a mouse, an iguana and a gecko.
This makes it hard for me not to endorse John McCain. Clearly, the man can bring together an impressively diverse pack.
Still, I've got my reservations about him.
I must think of all my compatriot dogs stationed in Iraq. Remember, 100 human years is 700 dog years. That's a long time for us dogs. Our entire species could be completely different by then. And war is as hard on dogs as it on humans. Remember in "Courage of Lassie" when Lassie got drafted, and came under fire right on the front lines? SO SAD. Lassie had PTSD! She had such a hard time adjusting back to civilian life! She had flashbacks! I have tried to do my part by sending care packages of Bil Jac treats and Doggles to our dogs in Iraq, but wouldn't it be better for us to send them home, than for us to send them there?
And, this very large menagerie of McCain's might also be suspect as well. Isn't it only crazy old ladies who amass these very large packs?
And, there are other issues I must still consider: their position on pet insurance, affordable pet medication, and standards for regulating the dog biscuit industry. Like everyone else, I'm watching this election carefully.
*Opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Foodgoat or Ladygoat.
I haven't paid much attention to politics in my life. But two years ago, after passing the test (with flying colors, I might add) I became a Canine Good Citizen, so I feel it's my duty to contribute to the democratic process as much as I am able. Seeing as I'm not 18 yet though (4 more years to go!), I can't vote, so blogging and influencing the voting public it is.
Furthermore, in this election, there are Important Issues facing American dogs today. Not the least of these is the fact that there are over one thousand MWDs (Military Working Dogs) stationed in Iraq.
So, I consider each of the presidential candidates. First, I look at their pet record.
Obama doesn't have a dog, and has no pet-owning record that I've been able to find. (FoxPetNets has repeating insidious rumors that Obama has a friend who once owned a squirrel but that's just mean-spirited gossip.) However, he did make a significant campaign promise: when the election is over, he promised his daughters they could have a dog, whether or not he wins. Usually one can't trust campaign promises, but Obama seems to have a calm assertive energy, and I believe him. Plus, the man has excellent taste in ham. (I'm partial to prosciutto myself.)
Clinton has a dog - a chocolate Lab named Seamus. Seamus was a gift from Hillary to Bill after their Lab, Buddy, was run over by a car. Buddy came after their cocker spaniel, Zeke, was also run over by a car. I'm not implying any impropriety, and no investigations have ever been called for. It's just ... it seems rather careless of them. Maybe it's unfair. But I wouldn't trust her to walk me down a busy street, so I can't very well trust her to run the country.
On the pet ownership issue, McCain, though, takes the cake. Right now he has Coco, a mutt (who he once saved from the brink of death with his quick action!), Sam, an English springer spaniel, two more dogs named Lucy and Desi, two turtles named Cuff and Link, Oreo the black and white cat, three parakeets, and 13 saltwater fish. His ferret, alas, recently died of cancer. In the past, they have also had two mini-Dobermans, two snakes, one rabbit, a hamster, a mouse, an iguana and a gecko.
This makes it hard for me not to endorse John McCain. Clearly, the man can bring together an impressively diverse pack.
Still, I've got my reservations about him.
I must think of all my compatriot dogs stationed in Iraq. Remember, 100 human years is 700 dog years. That's a long time for us dogs. Our entire species could be completely different by then. And war is as hard on dogs as it on humans. Remember in "Courage of Lassie" when Lassie got drafted, and came under fire right on the front lines? SO SAD. Lassie had PTSD! She had such a hard time adjusting back to civilian life! She had flashbacks! I have tried to do my part by sending care packages of Bil Jac treats and Doggles to our dogs in Iraq, but wouldn't it be better for us to send them home, than for us to send them there?
And, this very large menagerie of McCain's might also be suspect as well. Isn't it only crazy old ladies who amass these very large packs?
And, there are other issues I must still consider: their position on pet insurance, affordable pet medication, and standards for regulating the dog biscuit industry. Like everyone else, I'm watching this election carefully.
*Opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Foodgoat or Ladygoat.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The Dog Blogs the Draft
It's the football draft weekend again, and I'm just glad that Foodgoat is not trying to put a giant Browns foam finger on my head, so I thought I'd play his draft day game too: take a shot every time there's a trade between teams during the first round. Today he's drinking Midori, the melon liqueur. How bad could it be?Eight - no, wait, nine - trades later ...
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Pack Will Provide
I have heard a great deal of anxious talk in the last few days among the humans about of food rationing. Now, this is not a new issue among us dogs. I have known several dogs who advocated the food hoarding lifestyle, including a husky who insisted on burying every bone she got in the backyard. It's understandable, after all, a dog has to have contingency plans. However, it's messy, the humans for some reason get generally displeased by the digging and stashing away, and there are freshness issues.But most of all, I say, The Pack Will Provide. I've lived a long time and stayed with a couple of different packs, and there has always been food in my dish, even if sometimes it wasn't ham. Occasionally, the food was a little more crumbly than usual, but then another giant bag appears and all is right again.
Not only that, but I've hunted with my pack a few times now, and to be honest, it looks pretty easy. You just drive up to this window, and food comes out in a little bag. I've been able to hunt this way all year, so it doesn't seem to be seasonal thing. And so, I'm not going to start hoarding food, or worry too much about this allegedly coming food crisis. It's a lot of panic, IMHO. Certainly I don't think packs should be hoarding rice (I never touch the stuff myself anyway), as this induces further panic and drives up prices. Like the bones buried in the yard, you'd just get a lot of stale rice after a while. Be calm and submissive to the rice market.
Anyway, in the absolute crisis of my pack running out of food, there's always the grass in the backyard. And it's looking very long and green these days.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
New Blogger on the Block
You may have noticed that Ladygoat and Foodgoat has been somewhat absent of late. They may tell you that they has been preoccupied with Some Recent Exciting Developments, but it looks to me that they have been doing the same old things they always do, which is sit in front of the TV and computer and try to warm their freezing cold feet under me while I'm getting my after-dinner nap (which, frankly, I resent).Since they have been neglectful of the blog, I've decided to take the blog into my own paws. I'm pretty busy, what with sleeping and eating and paw licking and did I mention sleeping?, but I think I can squeeze it in. (If I'm good enough at it, maybe I can make enough to get that stimulus package, which I understand can buy a lot of biscuits. )
Expect to see a lot of posts about the various types of ham Foodgoat has been purchasing at the local Italian store.
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