Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Conspiracy Theory

The dog Biscuitgoat is the subject of a plot!

I don't want to sound paranoid, but lately I've realized there are people who are out there to get me. I'm serious. There are those who are actually hovering around, calling, planning, plotting my death. Don't think I don't know what you're talking about.

All just because I'm an old dog. Okay, a really old dog. And I can't get around quite as quickly as I used to. And part of my head is sunken in, causing one eye to dry out requiring regular applications of Visine. And I might be a little scrambled, as evidenced by that one night that I got into the spare bedroom, shut the door, got into the narrow gap between the corner wall and the bed and stood there for who-knows-how-long until someone happened to wake up at 3 am to find me in stuck facing the corner of the room and unable to move because I can't possibly back straight up.

The conspirators will say it's for my own good, it's to relieve my suffering. You want to alleviate my suffering? GIVE ME MORE HAM.

It's not that I'm afraid of death, you understand: I've seen the Twilight Zone episode, and I know I'll be let into heaven. What I don't know is whether there will be any ham in heaven, or any meat products at all ... after all, it would seem antithetical to have slaughterhouses in the holiest of all planes of existence. And yet it wouldn't be a place of complete bliss and delight if we all had to eat vegan.

So, just to be on the safe side, I'm getting all the ham I can get while the getting is good. Just today I had three different kinds of ham and felt much better for it. So even though even I must admit that my death may come sooner rather than later, DON'T RUSH ME. There's still ham to live for.


  1. Biscuitgoat, I understand. My name is Tasha and I'm getting up there too. I'll be twelve years old next month and I'm a Great Pyrenees/Golden Retriever mix. My family thinks I'm crickety and wobbly. They know I can't see or hear as well as I use to do but they say as long as I'm eating and showing interest in life (like rolling on the grass every morning) then they'll keep me around as long as possible. You've got to just trust your family-they love you and will keep you as long as they can. Didn't they just give you three kinds of ham? What love!

  2. Anonymous8:00 PM

    Poor dog. I hope that he is happy. I sure love dogs. I have a yorkie and love him to death.

    Free 4th of July Recipes and Desserts Found Here

  3. Anonymous1:45 AM

    Hello there!

    I wondered if I could ask you a favour. My partner and I are getting engaged, and I noticed your amazing ring on a wedding forum. You posted a pic of it!

    It linked to you and I found your blog. Incidently enough, I used to read it years ago and have often tried to look for it since!

    I wondered if you would possibly email me a frontal shot (or two!) of your lovely sapphire ring. It is so like what I am after, but I can find nothing like it. I am in Australia, so you won't see it passing in the street any time soon!

    My email is katebradley@australis.net

  4. Hi!

    Um, I just checked with heaven and they still have ham AND bacon in stock. I talked to the cook and it seems that eating anything that casts a shadow would cause a death. So, to keep the peace & smiles, ham is available in heaven. I know, I'm the Rev.

    Rev. Biggles

    ps - You may want to remove Kate's email address from the comment. Email scavengers will pick that up in a heartbeat and she'll be hit like the titanic (that's bad just so you know).